the cylindrical syndrome-

When the skies build a mirage of green that fades into the endless blue, when your heart beats no more as one but as two. It'll drag you into an abyss of nirvana and fable. Quoting Aesop and flicking the switch on and off the bedside light. Unable to control your mood- a collapse of anger, cold and regret. But there are those sparks, mainly two today, that make you mindless. Take you to another, injecting excitement like a wave of heroine pulsing through the bloodstreams of your head. Stepping on the phone lines, praying to reverse time. Wherein your heartwrenchers are thrown off guard and emotions build up. The music you once made with him, seem to dissolve into his smile, the smile's that next to hers now.

Paint my stars-

987. I am going to become a DJ
So is kenneth. And-
since he's renamed me Jenny cos my name is too close to laoshi
Imagine us in about 10 years in a good-morning-wake-the-hell-up kinda voice
(insert tinytoons tune here)
"WELCOME TO THE KENNY AND JENNY SHOW"
-does dance.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHUA PAUL!!
ehhhh-teeeen years old. OLDIE!

I'm wondering the world, growing up all alone
with the closest chaos around, figuring how to make it work
I'm moody and I say things I don't mean.

love him, break him. just don't hurt her.

yesterday's escapade

Yesterday-
walked around Esplanade and northbridge street with Colleen
snapping everything and trying not to get bang down by trucks
while crossing a road with no traffic light.
almost got killed- 12 times.
We fascinate with multicoloured windowed art galleries and steps
the arts house and the Singapore river barnicles
Mindless. Simply.

mid-morning sph-arkle.

My phone beeped this morning and now I'm inevitably set out on a thought journey that will possibly end with a fuck it and dead bodies around together conjoined with last night's 3hour dead-stupid conversations with my guardian angel which ended with goodnight.

Bang-

I'm a screwer-upper, a twit. Erase the past year and walk away leaving only a trail of dust then will, must, be blown away. I've got, everything, but nothing at all asking myself why the hell I get myself into this kind of ends. I'm a disembodied brain of normal humanoids, I don't think like 13 neither do I think like 18. I think- 5 constantly be peter pan and fly me to never-ever land. I'll thank you and kiss you on the nose. You make me smile, but the earth's on the line.
Save the planet.

Meeting Colleen later. Yeahyeahyeah. The most won-der-four friend of nonsensical shit you can find when you don't feel like talking about anything but the complicated scream-worthy shit of the world. We talk about ice cream and ripcurl ipod covers which will piss DJ off cos he's wanting it and she's getting it. Joyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoyjoy.

I honestly feel like a half-eaten sandwich with zuccini's spilling out my sides like the one that's on my desk basking in the sunlight thats shining through the crack in my windowpane.

long switch-

There's not much of a thing to do, except maybe sit in my castle in the air
plug the earphones of my new green box into my ears
and count how many strands of hair I've got (i think it's more than a million)
my history teacher woke me up this morning with a phonecall
she said something about history but I was half asleep
and still recovering from my nightmare
so I don't remember.
Dry my ears from the screaming of last night...
Me: "Emo on. World and reasoning off."
Kath: "Remote control for on and off of reasoning thrown out the window
rolled over by a car and left under the rain to decompose."
( I think she said that, or something to that extent.)
KATHYYYY. I book you for a sleepover somewhere in December.

ley-

I still find you amusing, when you tickle yourself laughing
you, with your adverse reactions and song
how you're too tall to hold my hand
The little boy you still are-
when you smile and stick out your tongue.

controversy-

You, you meant. Mean alot
but if you'll just stop behaving like a grumpy 4 year old
maybe we could start to talk.

for pure information-

I'm afraid and I can't breathe
but I have to say-

So don't mind what I'm trying to say
It's for the better, like how peanut butter is better than just butter.
you're going to hate me and you're going to ask if you know me at all-
but.
contrary to popular belief
I'm out of your life and you're out of mine.

Well let's see-

You say I'm so insensitive, insensitive to the point of ignorance
that I cared about her more than you.
Now you don't know how it feels when
you see your mother taking down family pictures from the wall, now do you?
So I never put you first.
Well honey, good luck dealing with insecurities then
I'm supposedly in dire need of you and your nonsensical-ity?
I'm dependant and foolish and naive.
So I never listened to you?
Well for your joy in knowing, he was just a friend.
He, he, and him too.
And I never kept promises?
"I'll always be here to pick you up and brush you off."
that letter, those lies.
for realization purposes, I remember you walking away.

Honestly. I don't know why I fought so hard for you.

chokehold-

I've never known much of my pen-scribbled pocketbook of feeling.

I'm turning my music on loud so I don't hear you

judgement table everyday;

So I won't bother you with my kazzables.

Let's see-

I tried to write a letter

tried to take a picture of love in my mind.

the paper's still blank

and the pen un-capped.

hey you, goodbye-

watch the world walk by. cause you're the only one i notice.

She said-

Look back at the last year, like it was all a closed-end dreamride

cos you and i both died, anyway.

You came.

and left.

Just like the rest.

I'm not missing you

cos I've finally had enough.

Kyle says- I never think about you but you're always on my mind.

I'm sitting here like a psychoedeeot listening to Modern minds and Pastimes. They aren't half as good poets as that band-I-forgot-the-name-of at HMV yesterday but they'll do. Nisa and I were jumping around the music store yesterday listening and agree that if there'd be one song a guy could steal our hearts with it'd be more than words by Frankie J played on the acoustic guitar.

JENNY.

I think my greatgrandmother is 100 today. Or was it 98?

All pingpang players must be aware of their surroundings. (FALLS into lift gap)- master wong.

Morning Murder.

When senses fail, and the lights go off. And the stars will send their spears down, to colour the ink black sky their crayon-box-pastel colours. We'll swim in the nightshone shadow of a lake, feel the frailness of the water against bare skin. That's when I'll sit on a rock and fall in love with you. This vague character of a little boy who talks too much. Exhuberant when I'm glad like a bee, astonished when you kiss me. We'll sit on the grass bank and wait. Watching. For when the drizzle of yellow feels it's way to the top of the world.

keep your pride: let it get in the way dear

First time honey, first time I've fought back
Good wonder how I never left.
It's been ages, months since we last-
tear those pictures off the wall, trash them and swear never to go back
it'll probably be over now, so pour away those days
I blew it, and this is it?
So I'll stay home and pretend I don't feel
I'm used to fibbing,
acting.
Believing I could live without you, Oh yes I could.
she'll probably be your queen in matter of a month, probably is
I don't care
So why can't I breathe?
Him, he and everyone else.
all came to take a chance and left
just this time, there won't be you to clear up my mess
Lying alone on that parquet floor, watching. Waiting.
head on the phone. Wishing.
My life, my tears; God I love it when you call
but you never call at all.
I was never that great at arguing, just very good at crying when you leave
I'll wipe away those tears on my sleeve, don't let you see it.
Walk away from me.
You'll take off just like the rest
Scream "I've finally had enough."
I understand.
so this January when I really do fly-
I'll ask her to kiss you for me, Miss supergirl-queen
and all.
Wishing someone would love me too
but I know it-
won't
be
you.

spend your last thrill eating chocolate apples and rainow sprinkles:

So now the queen's gone, and you're left muttering sweet consoles under your breath, feeling like an absolute fool for her. Walking past the bus stop, where all those closed memories just you and her seem to be like you're standing on a stage, hours after the play has ended. The day's start to seem faded, and she becomes more of a figment of your imagination than what used to be the last trace of reality in this fake cardboard world. I'm sitting in front of you, munching on my munchy cereal, watching the last call of boyishness disapparate from your eyes.

Your love's like summer rain

mid-chineseexam-inspiration-

(scribbles all over chinese paper)
DIE! CHINESE! DIE!
(closes booklet and sings to self)

I screwed my chinese paper (: Lao Shi wo bu hui ji ge.
Hello, I am genius. For the 6 mark question I wrote 7 words:
Wo. Bu. Zhi. Dao. Ze. Me. Zuo.

I can't find a way to say I adore you in every way...

giddychinahead speaking-

E"Ni ming tian yao kao shi, ni ke yi zhuan xin dian ma?"
me: (looks at tutor) huh?
"ni bu zuo gong ke, shang ke ye bu ting. ni yao ji ge ma?"
me: c6 jiu ke yi pass.
"NI AHHH. ni de jie jie ken ding bu hui zhe yang de."
me: wo de jiejie na dao f9.
"(rambles on in cheena)"
me: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. LAO SHI XIA KE LE.

Okay so, yeah I really hate chinese and it doesn't help that my tutor constantly compares me to my strictly-english sister. Oh, spare me the chinese. I'm not pure-blood chinese either. I'm... I'm... GAWD won't even start explaining to you what blood I am. I'm chapalang and so. I'm going to drop chinese in JC, which means I've to withstand higher chinese now. unnnfairrrr-ity. One paper left, and it's gone for the year.

My mother, however, wants me to learn sec2 math and science so I'll "stop being such a drag" I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm just -uhhh- stupidly LAZY. Maybe I should start being like that boy Fr. Fred talked about and lock myself up for 10 hours studying for midyears next year. Geez, he was taking his ITE exam. grah.

Today is mister. Boring day. Under house arrest to "rejuvinate my state of mind for tomorrow's (cheena) exam" accoridng to my mother. I'll settle for joint conversations between my two cupcakes lydia and eva discussing our post-exam activity.

Merry Christmas Honey, I honestly thought you were something more

suspension- mae

Lauraeva-

guy's goals in life should be: "Cute is what we aim for"

(I think for awhile and then start laughing)

The Pillowman by Martin McDonagh

Starting, again. Now I'm sitting here contemplating what's left in my brain chambers and feeling like punching the hell out of pumpkin alexander. My pumpkin soft toy, by the way.

I slammed down the phone on your lecture. Yabbber-yabber-kazeberr-gone. I'm not responsible enough- or something. I just remembered 10 bucks in my jeans pocket that-SHEESH. is now in the wash. I still hate lectures.

Packing boxes, packing boxes! Brown and uh-gleee.
my mouth feels funny.

I feel nauseous. Ah screw it. I have the math exam tomorrow and I still have no fucking idea what the formula for total surface area of trapeziums is. Joy.

It's getting harder to stay. I could radio forever.

[p.s. i really hate my blog getting deleted]